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26 Sep

I’ve been bleeding for a few days now.
Lightly at first.
& on Tuesday I started bleeding A LOT.

After school on the way home i began getting these unbearable cramping/stabbing, pressure like pains.
Randomly for about an hour I would have what felt like the worse pain of my life and be in tears and then be perfectly fine the next minute.
Luckily I was with my wife.

We knew it was coming.
We stopped at the store to buy pads.
And while we were in there I felt it.
I knew it was it.
(I HAVE to call it, “it” because describing this experience using any other word right now makes me sick to my stomach. : / )
It was stuck half in me.
I was FREAKED out to say the least.
We rushed back home and she came into the bathroom with me.

It fell into the toilet & my wife pulled it out.
I couldn’t do it.
She held it.
We examined it.
It for sure was what we had expected it to be.
Clearly we aren’t going to get the karyotype we had fought for.
I hated this.
It made things even worse than they had already been.
I can’t help but wish that tiny thing had stayed inside of me for just 32 more weeks
Growing healthily.
Time wasn’t on our side.
The one time I WANTED to wait for something I ended up getting it way before I wished.
& now I’m left with nothing but a broken heart and wishful memories.

I miss my baby.
I miss being so happy that there was a mini growing inside of me.
I miss never feeling alone because I knew I had my beautiful child with me at all times.
I miss feeling protective over my body more than ever. Because it wasn’t just my home.
I miss checking my tummy everyday to see if I had any type of bump.
I miss feeling so much hope in our future. & knowing that even though things aren’t going our way right now in less than 9 months none of that would matter.

I have no expectations for this next cycle. & I know that’s terrible but I have been so very optimistic with these past two cycles & with all the heartache I’m left with little positive emotions towards it.

I’ve never completely understood why people HATE when others tell them “your time will come, there’s a plan” type of ish.
NOW I do.
It is the absolute most annoying thing in the world to me.
It makes me CRINGE. -_-
Like honestly I won’t go it to details because I will for sure come off as a major b****.

Part of me regrets being so open about this whole thing.
Not so much with this blog.
More so with everybody else.
It’s not something I want to think about.
& definitely not something I want to talk about or be asked about from people daily, other than my wife.

& in the midst of all of this we will be moving in the next couple of weeks.
It will be a good move however the process of moving is not something I’m looking forward to.

I don’t think I’m going to be blogging too much for a little while.
We’ll still read all of our followers blogs of course.
But I just kinda need a break from putting my emotions out for the world to see.
We do have two last embryos.
& our clinic has offered to do this FET for free so we’re not exactly sure when but we will be trying another round sooner or later.

Everything else.

24 Sep

I’m not one to write long post buuut, here we go!

I am exhausted.
WE are exhausted I should say.

In the past 5 months it’s like everything has fallen into a downward spiral.

I lost my job. A job that I absolutely hated, but it paid the bills nonetheless. We moved an hour away from my wife’s job.
Two failed IVF cycles.
Random LARGE bills continue to appear, like the two speeding tickets we got only 3 days apart. -_-
Everyday tasks that should be so simple always have a million & one complications.
Like nothing is EVER as easy as it should be.

I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t have time to think about or worry over any one particular thing.

Sooo, about this last cycle & how it’s affecting us.
It’s legitimately the absolutely worse pain I have ever felt in my life.
It hurts so bad mentally that I swear I can physically feel it.

Friday night was full of nonstop throwing up,sweating & shaking.
LOVE how I didn’t throw up once while I was actually pregnant & the day I find out I’m not I can’t go one second without vomiting. -_-

Multiple, full out breakdowns.
I would lay in bed sleeping wake up for an hour at a time and just cry myself back to sleep.

I literally cried for 24 hours straight with only a few breaks in between.
Which left me with swollen,squeaky eyelids & a giant headache.
It makes me sick to even think about it.

I would fall asleep. Wake up. & remember.
Which would make me feel like it was the first time hearing I lost my baby. Over & over.

I HATE these feelings.
It’s a lot of sadness mixed with confusion & anger.
My wife is a bit tougher on the outside.
She’s not one to show her feelings.
But I know she hurts just as bad as I do.
I could see the pain in her eyes & it breaks my heart.

We’ve talked about it a lot.
Which helps.
And because of her advice and comfort I am now able to accept it.
I don’t think the pain will ever go away. But it know it will decrease…eventually.

I had lunch with Domonique at 5am on Saturday (she works graveyards)
& we went deep into our feelings on our loss.
After we ate we took a nap.
When she got off she explained to me that she’s never been able to imagine herself with a child because she hasn’t been able to picture what her child would look like.
And before our nap while she was falling asleep for the first time she pictured our child, as a toddler.
& it gave her a great sense of relief.
Like a feeling of comfort came over her.
& she has been able to accept it.
That was beautiful & comforting to hear.
We agreed that it was our baby putting that image into her head of their little brother or sister.
As a sign to show us everything is going to be okay.

We have been trying to schedule a D&C since Friday.
& we have just been getting the complete runaround.
Finally today I was able to have a consultation with the doctor which was a complete waste of time.
He said “it’s not appropriate to do a karyotype because I have not had 3 miscarriages and I am not in my second trimester.”
We argued with him. Argued with the manager at the office & ended up with a whole lot of nothing.
Other than a referral to the infertility clinic where they will possibly run a karyotype that we’ll pay for out of pocket. & btw they don’t have appointments any time soon & started bleeding 2 days ago so there’s a possibility everything will pass before I’m even seen.
My favorite part of the appointment was the doctor saying “I was trying to save you money”
Meaning that I should just have a D&C without having a karyotype performed because it will SAVE MONEY.
Uhm thanks?
Is he absolutely insane?!
We don’t care about saving money. We want a f****** karyotype done!!!
I know you want to buy food to eat so you don’t starve but I wanna save you money, don’t buy food. Is how that seemed to me.
That didn’t go over too well with Domonique she pretty much went bad & told him he was being disrespectful in continuing to mention money as if we hadn’t just spent 20,000.00 on IVF & like money is more important than a successful IVF cycle!

I don’t know if there’s a reason to even have a D&C done at this point.
It’s not like it was something I was looking forward too.
But if it takes us to our next cycle quicker then I’m willing.

& because I’ve been negative Nancy this entire post I will end it on a good note.
Our clinic has offered to do our last FET at no cost!
We only have to pay for our medications.
& because we JUST bought Progestrone & Vivelle we will only need to purchase Lupron to start our cycle.
This is good news of course.
The bad news is we only have one more chance.
2 embryos left.
One 3BB & the other 4BB.
Which is scary because they are they are the lowest quality of them all.
First round: 4AA & 3AB
Second round: 5AA & 5AA
Hopefully these embryos will prove me wrong. : )

Domonique had decided if this next cycle doesn’t work she didn’t want to go through another egg retrieval.
Her body reacts extremely bad to the medication.
But since then she has changed her mind.
Which I am grateful for but hopefully we won’t have to worry about that. Especially because a complete cycle is not cheap.
& idk if we can go through another failed attempt.

My wife said something that best explained the reason for why this all hurts so bad.
“It makes life real”
Wanting something that’s so significant so much & not getting it.
Or getting it & having it taken away for sure proves that life isn’t all fun and games. It’s REAL. & sometimes it’s REAL shitty.

Alsooo, somebody very kindly posted a link on my last post.
& it made so much sense to my wife & i.
What we got from it is that when you are broken in pieces it’s not always a bad thing because from there you chose how you want to put yourself together again.
We are broken in pieces.
& we have decided to put ourselves together in a manner that makes us better people than we were before. ❤

I don't usually take random pictures. But on the way to our last appointment.
Before we got the news we were around the corner from the clinic. & I loved the color of these flowers so I took a picture.
They weren't anything fancy.
Just simple & beautiful to me.
This picture will be printed on canvas & hung in our nursery when it happens for us.
& will forever remind me of our beautiful baby.



20 Sep

The only thing worse than bleeding & having a “threatened miscarriage” is not bleeding & having an actual miscarriage.

We went in for a checkup today.
My wife noticed first & me shortly after.
The doctor was completely silent.
No heartbeat.
He said the baby stopped growing about 6 days ago.
2 days after we seen a perfect baby on the ultrasound at the emergency room.

It's not fair to say the least.
It hurts worst than anything I've ever felt.
& I hate even looking at my wife because even though she's being extremely strong & supportive I feel like I disappointed her.
I hate this.

I don't understand.
I can clearly get pregnant but it won't stay.
I'm 21 & as far as I've been told I'm not infertile.
But i'm sure feeling like maybe I could be.

$20,000 into this process and 2 cycles later the clinic still has no explanation.
They just always say well if the embryos are perfect it will work.
Isn't there more to it than that?!
They've never ran any test on me to check that everything's working!
We don't feel like they're doing everything possible to help us get & stay pregnant.
& we don't even know which test to ask for!

I am absolutely terrified to get a D&C.
But obviously we have no choice.

Call it what you want but we just got done having drinks at Red Lobster.
We for surely needed & deserved them.
Ironic that the waiter asked if we were celebrating something.
More like the opposite!

We're frustrated.
This whole thing is a lot heavier than I ever imagined it to be and I don't know how strong I am.
2 embryos left. But we just don't know if we are mentally able to start right away.

EIGHT weeks. : )

19 Sep

So I’m officially 8 weeks pregnant today.
Yay. : )

I am lucky to have all of the lovely symptoms! -_-
Don’t get me wrong I really don’t mind them because I know why they’re there.
But it doesn’t mean they’re the funnest feelings in the world.

I want to throw up 24/7.
I mean when I wake up it’s HORRIBLE.
& throughout the entire day my nausea has its ups & downs.
But it’s ALWAYS there.
& those 7 giant disgusting vitamins I take every morning surely make it 10x worse!!

My boobies hurt like a mf!
Only when I touch them, which I do to make sure they are sore. Lol.
It’s reassuring.

& my favorite of them all is I never poop!
Like seriously I don’t remember the last time I went.

I’ve been sleeping terribly lately.
I have an extremely hard time going to bed & when I do I wake up because I feel so poopie & lay in bed tryna go back to sleep for like 2 hours sometimes.

I try not to think about the way I feel too much.
Instead I just remind myself what WHO is coming in 32 weeks is worth all of these feelings!!

I also try not to stress, but this is hands down the most stressful time of my life.
Not good, I know!!
I haven’t bled anymore since my last incident! Which is of course a good sign. 🙂
On Friday we get to see our tot!
I can’t wait.


14 Sep

So last night was for surely the scariest moment of my life.
I was laying down watching cupcake wars.
& all of a sudden I thought I peed on myself.
So naturally I’m like wtf & look.
There’s a giant puddle of blood.
I started freaking out. Texting my wife to call me.
She calls.
And I go to the bathroom.
Blood just seems to be pouring out.
And then I feel something like a giant clot come out.
That’s when I really started panicking.
I was crying hysterically by this time.
I looked into the toilet & it just looked like a blood clot.
She asks me if I wanna go to the ER & I’m just like idk.
We decided it would be best to go.
I mean although I was sure I was having a miscarriage, there’s no harm in checking.
So I drove & picked up Domonique from work & we went to the ER.
I hated being there.
I just wanted to go home.
We were seen very quickly.
The doctor did a pelvic exam. & an ultrasound.
The bleeding had stopped.
& the ultrasound showed our baby’s heartbeat.
This was extremely relieving.
However we were still super concerned as to wtf was going on.
We were surprised when he asked if we were having twins.
Because it actually showed two heartbeats.
He had the nurse draw my blood & draw urine using a catheter.
I’ve always been terrified of even the idea of a catheter but obviously I’m not going to object.
The nurse & my wife were laughing at me and my reaction to the catheter.
It was sort of like “OMG. Wtf. Okaaaaay. Okaaaay. Ow”
So after that a resident gyn came in and did another pelvic exam which was the longest most painful exam I’ve had yet. She had to check if my cervix was still closed which was quite difficult because apparently my cervix was pointing pretty much downward according to her.
After that she did a vaginal ultrasound.
There he/she was.
Measuring perfectly.
Perfect heartbeat.
You can tell she’s gotten so big since the last ultrasound.
She only seen one baby.
I guess the other ultrasound sometimes can duplicate the picture on the screen so that may have been what happened the first time.
The doctor then went on a deep sea journey checking my ovaries & tubes to be sure I didn’t have a second embryo that had implanted in the wrong place.
All clear.
She printed us a picture of the ultrasound & I’m soooo mad I forgot it at the hospital. -_-
After we left the hospital I was cramping which scared me.
But that went away & I figured it was from all of the treasure hunting done by the doctors.
Overall we were told everything seems to be fine.
& some women just bleed during pregnancy.
They don’t know why it happens.
I wish It would never happen because I cannot handle that emotionally.
I spoke to our clinic this morning & we have moved our next appointment up to this upcoming Friday.
All of the doctors we spoke with have told us there is absolutely nothing that can be done to make this any better or any worse.
& if the pregnancy is supposed to carry out, it will.
I pray that It will.
Last night was NO fun.
It was terrifying.
I feel reassured that everything will be okay.
I haven’t had any more bleeding.
Although I have had a few sharp pains like right below my right ribs which is enough to scare the poop out of me.
I’ve decide to ATTEMPT to relax.
Stressing wont help any.
For now & hopefully for the next 33 weeks, I’m pregnant. & our baby is okay.
So I’m grateful.
I was happy we had such a compassionate & kind staff last night.
Also I would have been completely falling apart if it weren’t for my amazing wife calming me down the entire time.
& I do mean the ENTIRE time because I was a mess all night.
I adore her & her ability to remain calm. And to calm me.

Liddo flicker <3

9 Sep

Our liddo Robinson is growing nice & strong. 🙂
We were totally hoping for two but we are just as happy with our one liddo guy!!
As long as he/she is healthy we couldn’t be happier.
: )
It was crazy to see the heartbeat.
It was super fast. ❤
LOVE our beautiful baby already.
Now the fact that I have CONSTANT nausea is perfectly okay because it's for sure worth it.
They'll call us later with the blood work results & I'll possibly be lowering my medication doses.
Btw, It was adorable to see my wife tear up.



26 Aug

Lets just get to the point!!
My HCG is 140. 🙂 🙂
We are officially pregnant!
Although our numbers aren’t high.
They’re pretty much doubling.
36. 53. 140.
: )
Our ultrasound is SCHEDULED.
September 9th.
We are beyond excited.
We feel extremely Blessed. ❤
Thank you for everybody's prayers & positivity!!!
I CANNOT stop smiling. Lol.
That's me freaking out. Lol.
It was adorable how when we told each of our mothers they started crying!!
LOVE them. 🙂
Anywho we are thee absolute HAPPIEST cookies!
Yay. 🙂

BETA results x2

22 Aug

Sooo, I’m really not sure what to feel.
I’m not sad but I wouldn’t say I’m happy either.
My HCG level is at 36.
Once again low.
The nurse informed us that because it was a frozen transfer the embryos may have implanted later on. Which could explain why my hcg is what is it.
Lets HOPE & pray that’s the case.

I wanna be excited because I actually have an HCG level.
Meaning there’s hope I could have a viable pregnancy.
But on the other hand my levels could decrease like the last time.

I mean they’re about 4x higher than my chemical pregnancy.
But I really just wish they were at a “normal” level.
My estrogen & progestrone levels are good so there’s nothing to worry about there.

Our clinic wants me back in on Monday to check them again.
But I took it upon myself to email my doctor so I can check them on Saturday at Kaiser.
I do NOT wanna wait until Monday to know what’s going on, I need an idea sooner than that.

2 days until BETA. ;)

20 Aug

I didn’t want to write a post until the day of the test, because I DON’T want to jinx it.
But I like to stay updated. : )

My wife & I started school yesterday. : )
LOVE it.
She always pushes us to do our best & she is just absolutely amazing.

I have been feeling some sort of ways.
But who knows for what reason.
I’ve been wanting to throw up randomly throughout the day.
Like, I’m literally fighting back puking as I type which I HOPE is a good sign.
Especially because I don’t easily throw up or have the urge to.
My boobies are sore also, which they never are.
I’m PRAYING these things are going on because our qui qui’s are comfy in there, but I also completely understand it could just be the medicine. -_-

I’m still having on & off cramping, not too bad though.
I get little headaches every so often, which I don’t know what to think about those.

I had a family member ask about the transfer, not knowing we had done it already.
& after finding out we are waiting for the BETA she said she asked because I “blew up” in the past week. Hahahaha. : )
She didn’t mean any harm & being that I WANT my tummy to blow up for the next nine months & i haven’t gained any weight I didn’t mind hearing that. Lol. : )

2 more days until our BETA.
& it couldn’t come any sooner.
I been wanting to take an HPT but my wife still won’t let me.
Which is fine. : )
Because I know that it’s better not to!

I hate to say it, I really do.
Because if I’m wrong I’ll be one angry cookie.
But I truly just am convinced I’m pregnant.
Even when I attempt to talk myself out of it, I have a feeling this cycle is going to be the one to give us our amazing babies. : )
Lets hope this feeling becomes reality! : )

& the wait continues.

16 Aug

Three days down, six to go.
I’m BEYOND ready to know the outcome of this cycle!
I’m optimistic.
I have VERY little cramping this time.
Where as my last cycle I was CONSTANTLY cramping.
I don’t know what to think.
Luckily I’m not obsessed with possible symptoms this time around.
I’d rather just chill & maintain this “wait & see” type of attitude my wife has given me.

We begin class Monday.
& she begins graveyards Monday as well.
We’re EXTREMELY excited about that. 🙂
It will help next week go by speedy so our BETA won’t feel like it’s years away.
We will be in class until 2:00pm the day of our test. -_-
So we’ve decide to have them wait & call us once we are done with school for the day.

While my wife is at work is when I think about if I’m pregnant or not the most.
So it will be nice to have her to myself this weekend. 🙂

I stopped taking those seven giant vitamins & switched to one prenatal vitamin that doesn’t make me puke my guts out. 🙂

Today our embryos should be “attaching deeper into the uterine lining”
So lets hope for just that!! : )