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Everything else.

24 Sep

I’m not one to write long post buuut, here we go!

I am exhausted.
WE are exhausted I should say.

In the past 5 months it’s like everything has fallen into a downward spiral.

I lost my job. A job that I absolutely hated, but it paid the bills nonetheless. We moved an hour away from my wife’s job.
Two failed IVF cycles.
Random LARGE bills continue to appear, like the two speeding tickets we got only 3 days apart. -_-
Everyday tasks that should be so simple always have a million & one complications.
Like nothing is EVER as easy as it should be.

I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t have time to think about or worry over any one particular thing.

Sooo, about this last cycle & how it’s affecting us.
It’s legitimately the absolutely worse pain I have ever felt in my life.
It hurts so bad mentally that I swear I can physically feel it.

Friday night was full of nonstop throwing up,sweating & shaking.
LOVE how I didn’t throw up once while I was actually pregnant & the day I find out I’m not I can’t go one second without vomiting. -_-

Multiple, full out breakdowns.
I would lay in bed sleeping wake up for an hour at a time and just cry myself back to sleep.

I literally cried for 24 hours straight with only a few breaks in between.
Which left me with swollen,squeaky eyelids & a giant headache.
It makes me sick to even think about it.

I would fall asleep. Wake up. & remember.
Which would make me feel like it was the first time hearing I lost my baby. Over & over.

I HATE these feelings.
It’s a lot of sadness mixed with confusion & anger.
My wife is a bit tougher on the outside.
She’s not one to show her feelings.
But I know she hurts just as bad as I do.
I could see the pain in her eyes & it breaks my heart.

We’ve talked about it a lot.
Which helps.
And because of her advice and comfort I am now able to accept it.
I don’t think the pain will ever go away. But it know it will decrease…eventually.

I had lunch with Domonique at 5am on Saturday (she works graveyards)
& we went deep into our feelings on our loss.
After we ate we took a nap.
When she got off she explained to me that she’s never been able to imagine herself with a child because she hasn’t been able to picture what her child would look like.
And before our nap while she was falling asleep for the first time she pictured our child, as a toddler.
& it gave her a great sense of relief.
Like a feeling of comfort came over her.
& she has been able to accept it.
That was beautiful & comforting to hear.
We agreed that it was our baby putting that image into her head of their little brother or sister.
As a sign to show us everything is going to be okay.

We have been trying to schedule a D&C since Friday.
& we have just been getting the complete runaround.
Finally today I was able to have a consultation with the doctor which was a complete waste of time.
He said “it’s not appropriate to do a karyotype because I have not had 3 miscarriages and I am not in my second trimester.”
We argued with him. Argued with the manager at the office & ended up with a whole lot of nothing.
Other than a referral to the infertility clinic where they will possibly run a karyotype that we’ll pay for out of pocket. & btw they don’t have appointments any time soon & started bleeding 2 days ago so there’s a possibility everything will pass before I’m even seen.
My favorite part of the appointment was the doctor saying “I was trying to save you money”
Meaning that I should just have a D&C without having a karyotype performed because it will SAVE MONEY.
Uhm thanks?
Is he absolutely insane?!
We don’t care about saving money. We want a f****** karyotype done!!!
I know you want to buy food to eat so you don’t starve but I wanna save you money, don’t buy food. Is how that seemed to me.
That didn’t go over too well with Domonique she pretty much went bad & told him he was being disrespectful in continuing to mention money as if we hadn’t just spent 20,000.00 on IVF & like money is more important than a successful IVF cycle!

I don’t know if there’s a reason to even have a D&C done at this point.
It’s not like it was something I was looking forward too.
But if it takes us to our next cycle quicker then I’m willing.

& because I’ve been negative Nancy this entire post I will end it on a good note.
Our clinic has offered to do our last FET at no cost!
We only have to pay for our medications.
& because we JUST bought Progestrone & Vivelle we will only need to purchase Lupron to start our cycle.
This is good news of course.
The bad news is we only have one more chance.
2 embryos left.
One 3BB & the other 4BB.
Which is scary because they are they are the lowest quality of them all.
First round: 4AA & 3AB
Second round: 5AA & 5AA
Hopefully these embryos will prove me wrong. : )

Domonique had decided if this next cycle doesn’t work she didn’t want to go through another egg retrieval.
Her body reacts extremely bad to the medication.
But since then she has changed her mind.
Which I am grateful for but hopefully we won’t have to worry about that. Especially because a complete cycle is not cheap.
& idk if we can go through another failed attempt.

My wife said something that best explained the reason for why this all hurts so bad.
“It makes life real”
Wanting something that’s so significant so much & not getting it.
Or getting it & having it taken away for sure proves that life isn’t all fun and games. It’s REAL. & sometimes it’s REAL shitty.

Alsooo, somebody very kindly posted a link on my last post.
& it made so much sense to my wife & i.
What we got from it is that when you are broken in pieces it’s not always a bad thing because from there you chose how you want to put yourself together again.
We are broken in pieces.
& we have decided to put ourselves together in a manner that makes us better people than we were before. ❤

I don't usually take random pictures. But on the way to our last appointment.
Before we got the news we were around the corner from the clinic. & I loved the color of these flowers so I took a picture.
They weren't anything fancy.
Just simple & beautiful to me.
This picture will be printed on canvas & hung in our nursery when it happens for us.
& will forever remind me of our beautiful baby.

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20 Sep

The only thing worse than bleeding & having a “threatened miscarriage” is not bleeding & having an actual miscarriage.

We went in for a checkup today.
My wife noticed first & me shortly after.
The doctor was completely silent.
No heartbeat.
</3
He said the baby stopped growing about 6 days ago.
2 days after we seen a perfect baby on the ultrasound at the emergency room.

It's not fair to say the least.
It hurts worst than anything I've ever felt.
& I hate even looking at my wife because even though she's being extremely strong & supportive I feel like I disappointed her.
I hate this.

I don't understand.
I can clearly get pregnant but it won't stay.
I'm 21 & as far as I've been told I'm not infertile.
But i'm sure feeling like maybe I could be.

$20,000 into this process and 2 cycles later the clinic still has no explanation.
They just always say well if the embryos are perfect it will work.
Isn't there more to it than that?!
They've never ran any test on me to check that everything's working!
We don't feel like they're doing everything possible to help us get & stay pregnant.
& we don't even know which test to ask for!

I am absolutely terrified to get a D&C.
But obviously we have no choice.

Call it what you want but we just got done having drinks at Red Lobster.
We for surely needed & deserved them.
Ironic that the waiter asked if we were celebrating something.
-_-
More like the opposite!

We're frustrated.
This whole thing is a lot heavier than I ever imagined it to be and I don't know how strong I am.
2 embryos left. But we just don't know if we are mentally able to start right away.
UGH.

MAAAYBE things are starting to go our way. ;)

19 Jun

It’s been awhile since our last post.
A lot has happened since then.
Domonique’s 24th birthday was on Monday. : )
& Our fuzzy baby got stung by a bee & we ended up paying a pretty penny for her emergency visit.
But all that matters is she’s okay of course! : )
I started my period Sunday.
& let me tell you it is on & POPPING.
Major cramps & all yay. -_-
We are somewhat “happy” about this though because it means we are that much closer to our next treatment.
: )

So the clinic we go to usually doesn’t accept payment plans.
You pay in full for all treatments, no financing or anything.
Howeveeeer, being the kind hearted people they are they offered to work with us on our next treatment. And are allowing us to make payments which is great!
So the fee of frozen egg transfer is $2,930.
The thawing fee is $1,050.00
Medication will be about $800.00.
& we still need to pay the remaining balance of the egg freezing fee which is now $600.00
I have been making a budget, planning our payments. & everything like that.

So I emailed our clinic so I could set up exactly how much our monthly payments would be for thawing & the cycle fee.
You can imagine how surprised we were when we got an email back stating I had misunderstood the previous email regarding price & that we are only going to be charged for thawing by the clinic.
Meaning we will NOT have to pay the almost $3,000.00 fee!!!

Yesterday soon became an AMAZING day.
We are so very grateful for that.
Now we don’t have to worry about payment plans or not having the funds within the next three weeks!
We’re good to go!!

The only thing we now need to decide on is to transfer 2 or 3 embryos.
Which is a MAJOR decision for us.
Luckily we have some time to decide. : )

Our poor baby, all swollen from her bee sting.
Ugh.
I hate looking at this picture. 😦
I feel so bad.

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Tomorrow.

14 Jun

It hurts.
I try not to think about it.
But it’s the only thing I can think about.
My wife is trying to be strong for me.
But I can see in her eyes that she’s hurting just as much.
I love her. ❤

We knew this was a possibility.
But that doesn’t make it any easier.
I don’t know what to think of this.
Like I suppose it’s considered a miscarriage.
& maybe I’m just weird but I don’t like to think of it in that way.
Regardless of what it is.
It sucks. </3

We appreciate all of the support we are getting from everybody.
It gives us hope.
& having so many to relate with reminds us that tomorrow will be a better day.
It reminds us that there IS a tomorrow.
That it’s not the end, just another obstacle to overcome.
Together

We have already started to think about & somewhat plan for the next cycle.
It kind of irritated me how vague the clinic was with the results & the next step.
Also the fact that I had to call them because they hadn’t called isn’t too pleasing either.

❤ My strength.

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Liddo birdieeee.

7 Jun

Well GREAT morning. : )
For no reason other than it’s Friday
& for the next two days rather than being alone obsessing about this upcoming pregnancy test my wife will be off & help me to take my mind off of this baby stuff.
Btw, FOUR days left!

Okay sooo, I wasn’t going to tell on myself but my wife has convinced me to, its confession time.
For the past 4 days I’ve been taking a pregnancy test.
They’re dollar store test & in the beginning it was just for fun.
I told myself I wouldn’t let it get to me because of how early it is.
& I really thought I could stick with that.
WRONG.
Everyday I’ve had a negative test.
Which is normal I suppose.
But it doesn’t make it any easier.
I just want to see a positive.
Part of me thinks that because they transferred two embryos
& if I were to be pregnant the possibility of twins would be 80%,
That my HCG level should be high enough to be detected by now.
Maybe not.

I had read that by yesterday I should have been able to get more of an accurate test so I was VERY excited to find out.
Getting a negative result caused somewhat of a mini breakdown.
& if my wife wasn’t there to cheer me up it more than likely would have became a major breakdown.

So yesterday my wife & I were outside playing with our puppy and she found a little empty bird egg.
Mind you there are no trees or nests near the front yard.
I meaaaaan, is that a sign or is that a sign. ; )
I’m hoping so at least!
Before we moved, we lived in the city and a stork would always randomly appear across the street from our house.
Not only had I never seen a stork before, but I for surely have never seen one in San Francisco.
Probably because it was there to let us know he’d soon bring us a baby,or two. : )
Duh!
Lol. Kidding, but seriously I really believe in signs & all that good stuff.
So that helped to somewhat restore my faith.

As we get closer to June 11th the wait becomes harder.
In four days our lives are going to change forever one way or another.
& honestly I don’t think I’m quite ready to have it be a change that doesn’t involve two mini’s.
All we can do is have faith that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen!

Because we try to be informative for those of you who are looking to one day pursue children through IVF, here is a cost sheet of Domonique & myself’s expenses to date.
With a successful pregnancy the cost will rise with needing more progesterone & Vivelle.
As well as paying for visits at the clinic for the first 12 weeks.

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First comes love.Then comes marriage. Then comes…

21 May

Domonique & I have been together for two years.
We registered for Domestic Partnership July 10,2012 & I became her Mrs.Robinson.
She’s 23 & I’m 21. We live in BEAUTIFUL California & wouldn’t have it any other way.

We’ve known since we got together that we wanted to start a family. We just didn’t know we would be able to make it happen so soon. Being that my wife would never want to carry a child & that’s an opportunity I REFUSE to miss out on it was simple for us to decide how we would go about this thaaang.

We chose to use reciprocal IVF which means that we will use her eggs, a sperm donor & I will be the carrier. Unfortunately we have had to pay for this entire process out of pocket because it’s not covered under neither of our insurance policies however,we had no intention on letting that slow us down. After researching clinics & saving the funds here we are. Two months into the process & one week away from the egg retrieval and insemination. Eek eek!

We’ve had quite a few appointments & so far everything is going lovelyyy. Our levels are where they should be,my lining is extraaa thickie and my wife’s ovaries are working overtime to make as many liddo eggieeees as possible!

I am currently taking Lupron injections & using Vivelle dot patches while Domonique is taking Lupron injections as well as Follistim injections.

We are hoping to have twins, a boy & a girl but regardless of gender we will be this happiest cookies on the planet if everything goes as planned!